Before I die

a true story

While I’m typing the words for this pre-eulogy,

My tears are falling like rain that’s pouring.

While I locked myself in the bathroom for almost an hour to just pour all my frustrations in life,

One song flashed in my mind and made me understand it better.

While I was rehearsing the lines in my head while crying like a cow,

The song hit me differently.

Before I die

You know it is really true that strong person cries the most excruciating pain.

I am strong and I always try to be one because I know it is only I who can carry me in times of trials, frustrations, hurt and sorrow.

I am aware that my battle is for me alone and no one can save me but..

I have saved so many lost souls.

I have dried so many tears and

I have prevented so many deaths but what about mine?

Being alone inside the bathroom made me think, how do I end my life?

Should I jump off the building?

Would I die from the 3rd floor?

Should I cut my wrist?

There’s no knife at all.

Should I drown myself?

It’s too wet I don’t think it’s possible..

Before I die

Then I saw one gallon of CHLORINE.

I told myself, ” If i drink this all would I die?”

Then all of a sudden I stopped weeping and talked to myself.

Hey! Get up..Go out now, don’t think that..

How about your mission?

Before I die

How about your plans?

How about your kids?

Feeling alone and useless won’t help.

So I went out from the bathroom and came here now in front of my imac to share my message before I die.

Often, we appreciate people we love when they’re dead.

How come?

How would human beings prefer death than life?

Isn’t it too late for anyone to shed tears to someone who is dead?

What will happen to the tears?

What will happen to the sweet and kind words?

What good will the admiration be for a dead body?

Since I was a child, I have always wanted to write and share my thoughts.

I love to express my feelings and opinion.

Before I die

I feel like it is my mission to tell the world what many of us cannot say at all.

I am brave and courageous because I know God, I love God and I believe in God.

As of this very moment, I really wanna die but for what?

I don’t just want to end my life in vain just because I am frustrated and then what?

People will cry for my death and say something which I cannot even enjoy hearing?

These past few days, my heart is quite in an unfriendly mode.

Before I die

It has been a few times including today that I wake up out of breath, burning, dehydrated and fatigued.

Somehow I told God, “God, please not now I have so much things to do. I want to be healthy”.

The thought of this made me bounce out from the tub and opened the bathroom door.

What kind of life without sorrow?

What life would it be without tears?

Sometimes I want to feel numb of any pain because I am old enough to waste my time fretting with unimportant things.

Love is not jealous, Love is kind. Love is patient not blind.

I am a person full of Love and wasting my life away just because the world is not in my favor, I don’t think so but just in case I will choose to die, then this message will be delivered.

Before I die

What message?

The message of many people who are dead would want to tell their loved ones.

1. Live. Live as if you own the world. Breathe, eat, laugh, love and repeat.
2. If you love someone, don’t hurt them instead talk to them and make up for what has been left.
3. Cry when that person sees you. Don’t wait death or it’ll be too late. The dead person cannot feel it. It’s too late.
4. Love. Love as much as you can. Love the person who loves you and those who hate you. Just love and love and repeat.
5. Kiss. Kiss the person you love. Make them feel valued. Make every moment count for death is the final destination and the life after that, that’s still a big question.
6. Be kind. Be kind even if no one is around. Be patient. Be true. Be gentle. Be sweet. Always choose the right words to say and if you offend anyone, try not to do the same mistake again.
7. Accept. Accept that you are not perfect. You die, everybody dies and if you know life isn’t perfect, you will accept the pain and move on. Don’t dwell on the hurt.
8. Laugh. Make yourself laugh. Watch a funny video or chat a friend. Just make time for yourself to be happy even if it isn’t from the heart. Just laugh and laugh until you mean it.
9. Goodbye. I wanted to say goodbye discreetly before I die to all who read my articles. WELL, I DON’T WANT TO be morbid but the reason why I have a semicolon tattoo on my wrist is that feeling of being intertwined to suicidal thoughts. I have been through a lot of pain and in my 40 years, I thought I can handle it, but.. here I am trying to console myself, believing that soon I will feel better.
10. Death wish. I don’t want to die. I don’t wanna give up I want to continue my goal and I want to be a person because I made myself complete. I want to help make this world a better place to live in and sometimes the pain is so tricky in the mind.

Before I die

I am writing this pre-eulogy or whatever you may call it because this is what I feel and think right now.

The fact that despite the pain I am going through right this very moment, I got up from my weeping and express my feeling through this article, is telling you, DO NOT GIVE UP that easily with pain. The mind is such a tempting evil trying to tell you the worst things in the worst time but fight like what I do now.

I think differently from the rest of the women in my age and this is why I do not want to feel any regrets by wasting my life, a beautiful gift from God. So from now on, perhaps if one day I give in again to my frustrations, I’ll write the next chapter of my message before I die.

Love God above all else and God will do the rest.

I love God and I will love myself.

Also read: https://everydaywithgen.com/untitled-soul-of-the-wicked-angel/

Before I die